Frustrated, Failing, Fear, Forgiveness

Well I'm not going to lie, sometimes I feel this journey to turnaround my health and fitness is just too hard.  I am over it!  I have had a terrible week - nothing major just so many little things seem to be getting in my way.

I have no energy and it is so frustrating it drives me to tears - literally.  I am sleeping pretty well when I get to sleep but at times it is 1:00 a.m. before that happens, which then means my 4:30 alarm is ineffectual - I struggle to get up at 7:30!  The feeling of no energy is debilitating and so upsetting I can't even explain.

Exercise has been very little this week and this leads to me internalising that I am a failure.  How do I stop this self destruction, it is doing my head in - Prayer of course.  I am trying real hard to park my worries and fears at our Almighty Gods feet - but I am human and my natural state is to continue to bash myself up - so I am a work in progress with regard to handing my "burdens" to Him!

I so badly want to get up and push forward but "fear of failure" is becoming a bit paralysing! I could blame time, work and family commitments and they all have a contributing factor but the reality is my biggest distraction or block is my mind!  It's my constant battle.  I am sick of Satan trying to put "Fear" at the forefront.  I want Faith to be my mindset not Fear.

The other reality I have to face today (it's raining so I am spending time reflecting, praying sand trying to get sorted in my mind), is to release some issues I am actually angry about and hand them tto God.  I have to acknowledge I can only do so much sometimes and others can pretend they are listening and try and make me feel guilty or bad but in the end I cannot change their point of view.  The issue becomes their problem now not mine.  Even as I write those words I am pounding the iPad screen because it still makes me angry!  Injustice and unfairness sucks (especially when it is underhanded) but I have to hand it to God!  I am not perfect and letting go is hard when you see how nasty and unfair something is, BUT GOD is bigger than me and will sort it.  Lord take the anger from me, show me what I must do to move forward.  

When I feel like this there are knots so tight in my tummy I feel nauseous and that is affecting my diet!  Stress, anger and anxiety lead me to SUGAR!  If I am honest I am past the anxiety I am in angry phase which is why I know I have to daily, hourly even half hourly hand things to God!

I am truly hoping that my writing my "real" feelings not the facade I have been putting up this week will help me to"LET GO AND LET GOD".  The difficulty is because the issue is not directly at me, but my daughter, and that is when I burr up - "Suzanne "LET GO AND LET GOD".  

So, to move forward?  Going to Get Back UP AGAIN (TobyMac - click words)

• Literally TRUST God in all things;
• Start moving again;
• Pray, pray and again pray;
• Forgive - whoah - that is tough right now but with Gods help I can;
• Demonstrate love and support for my daughter - I will be there for her;
• Do a food diary;
• Drink more water;
• Try and ditch coke zero entirely;
• Show love to those in my world and embrace those who love and encourage me (and to those that don't);
• Read God's Word;
• Try to overcome the negative thoughts about me in my head!  Christ loves me so much I should glorify him and see myself as a reflection of him (wow that is hard Lord I need a whole lot of help with that)!

As I write this gloomy but raw and honest blog there are words that I have typed that I could only put down at the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  I have to confess writing blogs this week has been tough and I have laboured over them with many tears and prayers.  

Things that come to mind are:-

- Can I weather this storm?

- Is it really worth it?

- Am I worth it?

- will I turn my health and well being around?

- Will writing these feelings so honestly help?

- Is Christ enough?

Overwhelmingly, some may choose to laugh and scoff, the answer is YES!  God will carry me through.  My Faith will prevail and I WILL get happier and healthier. 

Wow even writing that down creates tears of joy and an excitement starts bubbling up because in the deepest parts of my mind and soul I KNOW

CHRIST IS ENOUGH. (click for link to song).
and   "It is well with my Soul"(another song!).

I honestly find it amazing the scriptures God puts before me.  As I wrote the sentence above I opened my electronic bible which each day I open it a verse comes up - here is today's 

"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are. (1 Peter 5:8, 9 NLT)"

I am conscious that this blog has been negative and it's a reflection of where I have been at, however I must say it has not been all gloom and doom, I have felt the Lord's presence with me each step of the way, it doesn't mean I always feel great but I feel comfort that he is indeed there - his promise is true

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6.

On a positive close I am thankful to God that my daughter has some good friends and in the end those that do wrong will be found out. (Yes a bit of anger still there!).  But the youth she is involved in have been so encouraging and she has joined the Worship team - Thank you Lord :)

I have struggled with publishing this!  Thank you for all the encouragement I have received.

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH PHIL 4V13...May he be your strength also.

Confidence......where are You...

Confidence .....is a confusing concept.  If I said to my friends or work colleagues that  I lacked confidence, they would laugh at me and I understand why because in contexts where I am comfortable, I appear, and most times am, confident.  

However, put me in a new context or in front of an audience and for some reason confidence escapes me.  I feel so awkward and uncomfortable that I feel sick!   Why?  The primary reason is to do with how I feel about myself - one of the key reasons I am on this journey!  

Let me give an example of how I try to cover my lack of confidence - every Sunday we attend church and Paul loves to arrive early, me I prefer to arrive late and sneak in hoping no one really notices I have arrived.  In a new social setting I tend to sit on the fringe - I observe those around me and my mind takes off - they look better than you as if they would want to talk to you etc. etc.  getting ready to go to such events is torturous, the self loathing and insecurities set in (which is another reason I run late).  

One of the comforts I have when my confidence evades me is that God loves me and understands my struggles.  This hope alone is enough to make me thankful.  God gave his Son for me so I must take confidence in who he has created me to be.  

So what prompted me to write about confidence?   A couple of things come to mind:-

1.  It's something I feel I should have more of;

2.  Lack of it causes me to stumble in my ability to achieve my goal.  This is a stress point.

3.  I can display confidence in my day to day work so why not in less formal situations.

4.  This week I have no confidence that I can maintain the journey due to time constraints.

I pray a solution will become evident re my confidence and my tiredness and my lack of confidence will be a thing of the past!

CHRIST IS ENOUGH FOR ME........

Love this text below.  Gave me a great giggle....

Get Back Up Again....

Well I am feeling a whole lot better today.  I got myself up and out of bed at 6:20 am to go to the park to do a Park Run - 5km.   Well.....I DID IT.  It wasn't pretty, it wasn't fast but I completed the run!  

I am finding that walking/running is good therapy for the mind.  Since doing the run this morning I have felt more relaxed.  So relaxed I fell asleep writing this!  

I have been reflecting on what I have achieved this week, rather that what I didn't and realised whilst it has been tough I have achieved.  I have

• Walk/Ran 20 km- 4 x 5 k;
• Improved the amount of time I can run without stopping;
• Drank more water than anything else - still a couple of coke zeros;
• Eaten breakfast every morning;
• Spent time with God everyday.

It has been nice to look back and see not all has been bad!    This is part of my new mindset.  Instead of getting too uptight about what I have done wrong, it make the time to find some things I have done right.!

My devotion again was so relevant to what I needed today.  Below is a excerpt

"The apostle Paul said, '...If only I may finish my course with joy...' (Acts 20:24). 

I'm determined to finish God's call for me and enjoy every minute of it! That's what I want for you, too, to enjoy every single day of your life and finish what God's called you to do. 

But most of this is up to us. It's not all up to God. He has done His part and given us everything we need in Christ. It's up to us to keep learning, growing, and letting the Spirit of God work in us. Take time to consider the things that God has called you to do and ask yourself, "What am I doing today to finish strong what God has set before me?" 

God has great plans for you. Receive them by faith and go after them with all your heart. Today, I want you to make a commitment to finish strong. It's a commitment I know God will honor. "

This morning I received a beautiful email from a friend I have made through this blog.  Our God knows exactly when to send the right words.  Please take the time to YouTube Toby Macs song Get Back Up Again if you are struggling - it is great (having trouble on iPad so couldn't link it - will try tomorrow.)

Struggling.....

This has been a difficult post to write.  There are so many things I could say, even want to say but it would not be appropriate!  Needless to say I have had a real struggle the last couple of days - why?  Well things have become hectic, family returned home (both excuses) and I have been stretched emotionally through some matters I have needed to deal with.  Cryptic I know but for good reason.  God understands.

 Do you ever have days where to show God's love it is really really hard?

Well I have had a couple of those days.  You see I really get upset at unjust and unfair behaviour towards others, it drives me mad!   Being a "miss fix-it" (I blame it on my birth order - eldest), I am struggling with hard conversations I have to have.  If the behaviour was towards me I can cope, but when it's towards my daughter - different story.  One benefit, a large amount of time praying to my Lord and Saviour.

This struggle has railroaded my journey temporarily, I haven't been to my Crossfit this week mainly due to lack of sleep (plus a sore tooth), eating slipped a little (although better than it could have been - still no chocolate), I haven't run for 2 days although back to that tomorrow - 5km Park Run - run/walk for me!,

This last couple of days has made me realise how big a part stress and anxiety can play on our physical well being.

So, how am I going to pick myself up and move forward?

• Prayer for discernment and wisdom;
• Read God's Word;   Your Word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path -             Psalm 115:105
• Address the issue as best I can;
• Get clean with my eating again;
• Exercise and more exercise;
• Show love to my daughter.

The verse "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."  1Peter 5:7 is my stronghold.  It's not easy and I still have the tightest of knots in my gut but I know he is walking with me!
BUT I will not be derailed, God is my strength and shield, I WILl be eating clean tomorrow, I WILL run tomorrow. 

 I have shed my tears, bore my soul, likely to be mocked and talked about but I know IF GOD IS FOR ME WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME!!

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalms 30:5 NLT)

So tomorrow I am going to find the ninja in me and move forward!  

Dont Give Up.....encouragment for the struggling...

Whilst I have had good results on the scales and my running is progressing, I have still been struggling in my head the past couple of days, questioning myself and whether the effort is worth it (yes I was a little tired)!  This then makes me feel guilty, I should be thankful for the results I have received.  I know it is going to be worth it and I just have to keep pressing on.  I am already feeling more energy so why do I get those thoughts?  I think I am scared to succeed, I have failed so many times before, the thought of actually being about to succeed is very foreign and doubts find their way in.

God knows my needs, is a discovery I make regularly, he meets them in many ways.....
In doing my devotional today I came across a really encouraging article about not giving up, there are no coincidences with God but it never ceases to amaze me that when I pick up a devotional at a particular time, the message is so relevant to the need I have at the time.  So because of its relevance to my journey, I thought I would include it in my blog:-
 

In the world we live in, we are going to have all kinds of problems, frustrations and difficulties. That's just life. So knowing this, what do we do? 

We must remain steadfast and persevere. In other words, the answer is never give up! No matter what's going on in our lives, the victory is in refusing to quit. 

Keep in mind that in the heat of our struggles, the Holy Spirit is probably doing His greatest work within us. He is not moved by the circumstances. If you and I really trust Him, we shouldn't be either! He's not in our lives for good times only, but for the difficult times as well. 

He will lead us through anything if we'll just hang in there and follow Him. This means being diligent in prayer, relentless in our resolve, unwavering in faith, and determined to stand firmly on God's Word and His promises to us. 
So many times we can be sidetracked by how slowly things seem to be going. In fact, the enemy loves to point that out! But remember, that's when God may be doing some of His greatest work. You see, it's not all about you and me. The Lord's work in us is preparation for the work He wants to do through us! 
I know life can be hard sometimes. But I also know that God will help us if we remain steadfast. Let's stand on Galatians 6:9: "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up" (NLT). 

So let me ask that question again: What do we do? My answer is, never give up! What's your answer? 

I too don't want to give up - is it easy, no it isn't.  So many times I get impatient, I want all the results now not just small changes!!  Because of this my mind again takes over!!!

Thoughts and words I use become so negative and destructive, I am constantly battling my mind.  This is part of a message exchange that I had with someone who is already very good at running (also a whole lot younger than me) and has been providing some advice and tips regarding my running,  my comment being - "I am so impatient I want to be good at it now (running) - it is embarrassing plodding like a half dead horse" (yes I really did feel like that)...the response I received was just so lovely and encouraging ...."It wont be embarrassing when you glide like a graceful gazelle, don't worry you will get there, and the longer it takes the better you'll feel when you get there".  (the other amazing this is this response was received before the devotional above).  Do you think God is trying to tell me something? 

I have to say I struggle with the visual of myself looking graceful so had a bit of a giggle when I tried to imagine it - however my point is that receiving that type of encouragement is what we all need to continue on our journeys. Kind and encouraging words are so important in life's journey.

Too often I am quick to be negative to myself and those closest to me.  I am praying I can turn that around and try to change my approach and use more kind and encouraging words rather than jumping to the negative.  If I look over the past couple of weeks I can see many occasions where God has provided people to cross my path and encourage me, some in person, some through the blog, and others on the phone.  At times it is overwhelming because it makes me feel so accountable to continue on the journey.  I really have no excuses, the amount of support I need is there.  Anyway I should be thinking even if all the support went away I still have the best cheerleader possible God!!!  He will supply my needs, whether it be spiritual, physical or emotional, he is always there.  God's love never Fails. 

On reflection, God must have know these couple of days were going to be tough because there were a couple of other encouraging messages and clips I viewed on facebook.  The song by Chris August - Center of It - (thanks Jill) is so appropriate - Christ is the centre of it -

"in the dark, in the light,
in the morning and night,
in the good, in the hurt,
in the places I hide,
when I rise, when I fall,
you'll be there through it all,
at the start, at the end,
in the center of, in the center of it. 
There will be days I will forget everthing you've done for me
But when I go back there again
I'm reminded in the dark, in the light
in the morning, in the night ...."

This also reminded me that I already have Jesus love...

So...... I am NOT GIVING UP....I pray any reader who is struggling in whatever journey they are on that they too will turn to Jesus so that they don't give up also.

Have a great day......

Heading in the right direction !

Today I can do a "happy dance", I hopped on the dreaded scales for the first time in over a week and I was ecstatic - 2.5kg gone!   Even more exciting was the fact that this evening I did my run/walk and decided to test how far I could run without stopping and I did 11 minutes.  That surprised me and I felt ten feet tall - I covered 1.6 km.  Small achievement in the scheme of things but if I keep celebrating each small improvement the road ahead looks less daunting.

I am confident I am on track to complete my first goal of running Peak to Park in early March.  The time goal I will assess closer to d-day.

Yesterday I felt I  received my spiritual boost to help me keep going.  I am not going to lie this change is tough - it's not fun to go out running knowing you have fat bits wobbling everywhere, but the Holy Spirit keeps whispering to me to keep going - not to give up.  Church on Sunday was just wonderful and encouraging.  I love seeing God at work and that was so evident .

I not only managed to do my run/walk but some incidental exercise too.  I am finding as each day passes I am feeling more energy - this is exciting.

I have also almost given up coke zero I am down to one every two to three days - a major break through considering how much I was having and I have had very little chocolate - yeah.  The chocolate craving still comes, I have found that if I ensure I have good meals I can hold off the craving.

Prayer and listening to worship music on my runs have been a real encouragement,   On days when I feel tired or a bit low, I put on my headphones walking gear and off I go.  Yesterday  I had a twinge in my back that was causing me a lot of discomfort, I thought I would walk and see how I went, initially it was uncomfortable but after a couple of hundred metres I felt good and managed to run as well.  Listening to the words of the song "You Never Fail" is enough to keep me going. He never fails me!

"There's noone like our God, there's nothing that can stand against us...."

 I do feel like Satan is trying to attack me though, my mind keeps niggling at me, so much to lose, so far to go, people will think you are crazy, they are laughing at me etc.  I hope and pray this lessens, by trying to stay in Gods Word I am confident this can be achieved.   The other stumbling block I have is investing energy in issues that I should hand to God, this is my goal this week.

I get negative as I get busier with work so I need to work on strategies to counteract this.  Just by acknowledging that now in writing is the first step.  The negativity becomes reality if I let it fester.  Going to meetings particularly large ones is where I often feel insecure and inadequate, I confident in my role but definitely not in my body!  This impacts my confidence and ultimately the contribution I make.  I am seeking Gods help with this because poor self esteem often causes me to stumble in my journey to health and fitness!

Overall I am feeling positive....if God is for me who can be against me.!

Exuberance of youth......having fun....Ninjas

I have had an interesting 36 hours, if I could write things down as soon as they come to mind this blog would be so much better but alas, I can't write standing under the shower, driving to work, whilst working or shopping.  The Holy Spirit is amazing and it never ceases to amaze me the promptings or thoughts that come to mind that I try (humanly speaking) to say are coincidences.  The Holy Spirit helps me to recall key verses and learning at pivotal moments.  I think that is why in undertaking this journey I cannot separate the spiritual and emotional from the physical.

Faith also plays a major part of this journey.   My Faith in leaning on God to direct me is huge.  The journey so far has strengthened my faith because God has placed people, verses, Facebook posts etc in my path every step so far.  Thank you Lord.

Even writing these blogs I feel God guiding me because I sit down to start with a certain thought and before I know it I have moved into a different tangent.

For those who do read the blog, I encourage you to spend time with God and in his Word for it will assist In any journey you are travelling good or bad.

I am still having those moments of doubt, negative thinking but I have been consciously (once I see where my thoughts are heading) trying to negate those negatives with a positive, even if they are small positives.  Surprising how many I have managed to find.

I had an entertaining and slightly indulging day yesterday!  I dropped my Miss 16 and some of her friends off to Movieworld.

I headed to the shopping centre with my bottle of water and enjoyed window shopping.  I realised when doing this how determined I am to change my health and fitness, I was drawn to sports shops and looked at things like new running shoes, hand weights, boxing bag, gloves etc..  This made me realise I am believing I can do it and more importantly I WANT to do it.  After wandering for a while I decided to see what movies were available, chose The Book Thief in Gold Class and off I went.  Wow gold class is a whole different movie experience, a little indulgent but it was so relaxing, I felt it was my little reward to myself for my journey so far.  So I did have a little chocolate, but instead of feeling guilty (for a slight moment the doubts kicked in), I saw it as an "enjoy the moment indulgence" rather than a failure.

When I picked up the "Ninjas", explanation coming, it was decided to do fish and chips on the beach in Surfers.  I could have thrown away the whole day but I chose grilled fish for dinner whilst everyone had traditional fish and chips 'another victory of the mind and actioned'.

Fish and chips proceeded to a game of "ninjas" on the beach.  This is where I sometimes question my sanity, I joined in after some encouragement and coaxing.  I had a blast, and it was a workout in itself .  The game was quite simple in essence, however putting it into practise with competitive teenagers - insane.  It was very hard to not become competitive (not to the standard but determined nonetheless), after two rounds of being out first.  Anyway I had been feeling guilty that I had only walked and not done anything else, I think I did many stretches, dives into sand to cover a pretty good workout.  I felt quite exhilarated by the end and about 10 years younger in my mind!

The friends of Miss 16 aka Judge Ninja, who I will call,

• Determined Ninja - so gentle and nice, but didn't want to give up especially again King and Warrior Ninja
• Clever Ninja - always made to right move and went about it quietly
• King Ninja - needs no explanation, kept winning, that was frustrating
• Warrior Ninja - didn't like getting out, kept the back of King Ninja right till the end
• Frustrated Ninja - was very kind and cute but the competitiveness meant frustration 
• Judge Ninja - was quick to oust you and also quick to try and hold to account anyone who may have been trying to "cheat"

were so embracing of an "older" person being part of their evening and so encouraging of my journey, provided me many tips and encouragement, this really has motivated me.  I will be running 10 km in July at the Gold Coast.

This had me thinking, (dangerous I know, that too often) how "life events and time" cause us to think that as we enter different phases of our lives we can't do certain things such as, interact with different ages etc for fear of seeming like - as a teenager it's nerdy to hang out with mature adults and as adults it's immature to hang out and interact with the "young ones".  Mind you this wasn't my experience in my teen years but it seems to be Society's expectation in general.

Due to that I had doubts about myself, was it so stupid that I just had fun with my daughter and her friends, what would they think and say behind my back etc., should I just be the taxi and not interact?  I had discussed this with Miss 16 on previous occasions, about how she felt when friends came around and I interacted with them and she had thought it was fine and she actually enjoyed it and thought they did too.  So feeling brave I asked the question "Do you guys think I was a bit stupid playing Ninjas in the beach and having fun with you guys?  Do you go home thinking OMG Mrs Smith is crazy?"  Thankfully I received an overwhelming and enthusiastic No they enjoyed my participation etc.  The questions and discussion that followed helps me believe that our young people did enjoy the company of adults and interacting with them in meaningful ways.  

I think as adults we have a lot of life experience to pass on to younger ones, but we can't do it without building relationship and confidence.  We also need to realise and acknowledge that the learning goes both ways, we have enormous amounts that we can to learn from the young, one of the key things being relearning how to relax and have fun.  Readers who are older go and hang with a teenager for a day to have  fun it will help you feel younger.  (The next day reality will hit!).

I would like to thank the "ninjas" for a wonderful evening, I can't say how enjoyable it was to forget about my age and just have fun!  Oh and I landed the tackle of the night......

"I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."

Week in Review.....Triumphs and Challenges

Well I have spent the past 24 hours reflecting on my first week on this journey.  When I sat down to write my thoughts and feelings I pondered over the title.  My initial thoughts were "1 week - Good, Bad & the Ugly".   However, in my current mindset of trying to be more positive I decided that there was move negative in that title so...."Triumphs and Challenges" it is.  So here goes....

Triumphs/Successes

To be perfectly honest I am actually a little chuffed with the number of triumphs I can think of, this is new for me, some are small and some are monumental; some are physical but many are psychological!!

My biggest triumph is actually getting started and taking the biggest risk I have in a long time and that is being vulnerable and documenting what I want to do publicly.  At times my head tells me I am crazy but I know that this is a major breakthrough and victory for me.  Writing down is helping me in several ways:-

• I feel accountable;
• Once I write down how I have been feeling (particularly the negative stuff), I feel like I have dealt with it to some extent, and remove it from my mind;
• By taking the risk and publishing these blogs, the encouragement I have received has been amazing;
• My faith in being able to achieve my goals has become stronger;
• Helped me acknowledge consciously how LARGE a part of my life is reliant on GOD.

Other triumphs/successes have been:-

• Only 1 chocolate bar in 7 days!
• Drinking water - only small amount of coke zero;
• Reduced sugar intake significantly;
• Exercised 6/7 days;
• More organised;
• My neighbour offering to take me to Crossfit - harder to put off now;
• A more Postive attitude towards the goasl and journey;
• The amazing encouragement I have received.

Challenges I still need to conquer..
One of my greatest challenges is being patient for physical results.  I feel I am doing all this great work and can't really see any changes! 

Another ongoing challenge is my mind.  Whislt I have had some real positive moments it doesn't take much for the doubts and fears to set in - for example, today  a work colleague mentioned he had seen me running along Hume Street - my immediate reaction was "How embarrassing I am never doing that again", and then I kept thinking - I bet he laughed at me, oh he would have seem my fat wobbling as I ran etc. etc. to the point that I felt completely mortified at the thought and I was thinking of alternate routes where I might see no-one.  In reality what he said to me was "I was inspired when I saw you running along Hume Street I went and bought a bike, I thought Suzanne is getting into it so should I - Good on you and thank you", so I should have been thinking, how awesome it is that I have encouraged someone else to excercise.

Other challenges:-

• Continuing to excercise even when I feel a little sore;
• Ensuring I stay authentic in my blogging and not trying to write for an audience;
• Planning weekly meals;
• Ensuring I eat clean;
• Managing work/life balance;
• Reducing sugar and increasing water intake;
• Breakfast everyday;

How do I feel?  I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, I think I can make this journey work. I feel on track for my goal to run the Peak to Park 4km.  I feel motivated to continue.  More energetic than I have in a long time.  Most of all I feel better already spiritually, emotionally and physcially.  I have felt and feel God's ever loving presence in a very real and practical way every day.  I have realised that God is not just my Saviour he is my All in All in every aspect of my life.

I feel so good and energised I feel an INCH TALLER

Grateful...Optimistic.....

I am overwhelmed by the love and encouragement I have received in embarking on this journey.  I know I have said it before but I have to say it again, it is overwhelming and I cannot express how grateful I feel. 

I honestly believe blogging will be a key contributing factor to my success in this journey as opposed to past efforts. 

I did not set out to blog in order to receive encouragement - rather I am doing the blog in order to download/dump my thoughts and feelings in order to free my mind and hopefull have less negative thoughts.  I also undertook the blog to hold myself accountable.!  The encouragement is an almighty BONUS.

Yesterday I was back at work and a little unsure how I would go as far as eating etc.  I came home having not eaten any chocolate or coke zero.  That is a major milestone.  I had a lovely salad for lunch and ate breakfast before heading off to work.  I think this helped, I also did not wait for lunch until 2:00-3:00 p.m. which is a bad habit I had formed.  So I feel like another little WIN for me - I know I celebrate the smallest things but I am trying real hard to put positive thoughts into my mind!!

I also had a real motivating and encouraging moment last night when our lovely neighbour contacted me and advised "I have read your blog and happy to be your conscience, would you like me to drive you to Crossfit tomorrow morning, I leave at 4:35 a.m."!!!  (thanks Matt) Wow that was just so great and the push I needed to get back to CrossFit and I am proud to say - I was up and did my CrossFit this morning.  I feel really excited.  I am starting to believe I can actually do this - high fives all round!!!

I have to write down how I am feeling today -

• positive,
• encouraged,
• starting to believe in myself,
• proud of what I have done so far,
• scared (things will go pearshaped quickly),
• energised,
• impatient (I got on the scales this morning!!),
• optimistic, and
• hugely motivated!!!.

Mixed bag I know but that is complex me! 

I know I write a lot about God and my faith and upon reflectiing on this (I have been doing a lot of reflecting), I realise that it's true God is the most important part of my life, it is through Him that I find my purpose, he provides me with everything I need, Family, finances, friends, encouragement etc; so I know that in writing this blog there will be a lot of my conversations with him and some may think I am a religious freak - I don't really mind, but I must say I am not, I have a personal relationship with God (he sent Jesus to die for me) and he is My Rock and Foundation and with every year older I get I realise more and more how important he is to me. 

As I continue on my day, feeling a little weary from my early morning start, I can't help but have a heart full of joy at the love and support I have received and know that God has placed some very special people in my life, some I know well and others I haven't even met.  I have been reflecting in my happiness a very big favourite Worship Song of mine that a new friend (amazingly) send me a link to yesterday (Thanks Ally).  If you read this and have time click on the link and enjoy - 10,000 Reasons

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

This is the day The Lord has made....I will rejoice and be glad in it!

Today has been mixed, good, bad, ugly but I come to writing this blog feeling I overcome a mental hurdle!  Let me explain my day...

I was feeling a little lethargic first up so stayed in bed as long as possible, a bad habit I have because then panic was on to get to church on time (well I was a little late).  Getting ready to go to Church (well most places if I am honest) is always stressful, I stick to the same things and feel fat, frumpy and more like a granny than a mum of four young kids.  It's the comparison thing, I am surrounded by many beautiful ladies and I feel blah!  Now I am being honest, no-one has ever said anything in a long long time to make me feel like that, the problem is my head!  This is why I am always late - I then feel I can sneak while everyone is singing!!

Anyway once I got amongst God's people and we were praising him through song, how I look/feel quite honestly disappeared.  I just LOVE singing in Church worshipping my Lord and Saviour.  In that moment I feel worthy because He died for me!  When I was meditating on these thoughts and feelings this afternoon I had a light bulb moment....wait for it....'God loved me enough to die for me the least I can do is glorify him by being thankful for the body he has given me so look after it! '...and when I think on that what other motivation should I need to get fit and healthy!!  Easy to say and reflect on - now I need to action it!

Food is still a battle, running late I skipped breakfast and feeling tired and lethargic I got MacDonalds, although a small victory I ordered a wrap!  I was feeling frustrated about it though and behaved a bit irrationally and got annoyed with my teenager and ended up not eating at all.  This meant by 2:30 I was famished so I ate a banana and some Chico baby lollies!!  As soon as I do something like that I start the whole bashing myself up mentality - I am not going to do this etcetera, then proceeded to sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself!

Well thankfully tennis was on and just watching it and reflecting on some lovely encouragement I have received I decided I would do 1 hours exercise in the pool early evening!  That is a victory for me over the negative thoughts - I am just a bit pleased about that.  

Gave the kids their tea and off I went - good thing the sun was down and no one else around!  A hilarious sight it would have been to see me do ab crunches in the pool balancing on a noodle - it worked I know I have stomach muscles!  Exercised non-stop for an hour - running, jumping, swimming,etc. I feel so athletic and light in the pool lol !  Jess was warned to notify me if teenagers were going to come around because I was not prepared for that humiliation!!  Must admit doing exercise under the stars and moon was spectacular!  :)

Having completed the pool regime, the elation I feel is great - why I ask myself?  Well normally when I feel like I have had a bad day I continue that path and wouldn't bother to do anything!  A small breakthrough.

Back to work tomorrow so I am a bit nervous how I manage the exercise but I will fit it in!  

Today I have realised this journey is cleaning up my mind as much as my body - in sorting this I am showing The Lord I appreciate what he did for me!

"Thank you for the cross Lord, thank you for the price you paid..."

Blisters....no excuse!

So today I was advised not to walk/run.  This frustrated me at first and then I looked out the window...there awaited a sparkling blue pool!  I can't walk but I can swim and tread water in the pool!

This is exactly what I did twice!  Now it is a major event in our household when mum gets in the pool - so when I appeared on togs (took a lot of fighting with my mind), there was much excitement.

I reflected on the excitement the kids displayed and realised my issues with my appearance was effecting them in ways I hadn't considered!  This is a new motivator to keep pushing on!

God has been so faithful in directing encouraged my way right at the correct moment - he knows the plans he has for me.....

My eating has been improving but thee a times when I don't eat anything for long periods.   I am working on fixing that.  Planning is key - I just struggle to use that key!

Thanks to many who continue to provide great encouragement.

Overwhelmed...and impatient

I must say I am excited and completely overwhelmed (in a good way) at the amazing encouragement I have received over the past couple of days.  God is great to give me this!  This encouragement was completely my motivation during a tough walk today.

One thing I have to explain is that I am a boots and all kind of girl (yes at 42 I still consider myself a girl much to the embarrassment of Miss 16).  I need to be more patient and let my body adjust!

So embarking on this journey 5km wasn't enough yesterday I took Miss 11.5 out for a walk after dinner last night - another 5km.  I ended with a significant blister but feeling motivated and encouraged, at 8:15 this morning I put on a bandaid, headed off in 30degree heat and decided I would do 7km - ambitious and a bit ridiculous YES.

At the end of 4km I was dry reaching.  Drank some water stood in the shade for five mins and then headed off again, commonsense would have been head towards home - 5km is good!  But no, determined because I had tapped in 7km I kept going!  A number of stops followed in shade spots (I will always appreciate trees!) and I started to panic and doubts set in re failing etc etc.

Well I had to take Miss 7 to a birthday party so there was pressure so in my panic texted home for Paul to pick me up.  Miss 11.5 sends a message "hang in there, kids are ready I am going for shower, dad on the phone".  That little encouragement of "hang in there got me moving", I had a new spring, I made another kilometre (6 in total) and then Paul came along the road and picked me up.  

I would have made it home but time was a factor.  I have had to fight with my mind all day that I didn't fail!  6km in 30+ degrees is a great effort and I wouldn't have attempted a week ago.  16km in two days and a 2inch massive blister - that is achievement not failure.

My blister is a setback, I have been advised to rest it - I am thinking maybe a small walk or a swim tomorrow.

Halfway through the walk today I was struggling big time but again, Gods creation, my worship music and the people he has placed in my life to send words of encouragement got me through.

This afternoon I enjoyed watching Miss 16 and a couple of friends whine their way through an Ab workout - secretly I wished I could do it (might try when a bunch of teenagers aren't around)!  It was great to see them do it because I don't want my girl to feel how I do!  On a positive note I did do the plank with them and did better than a couple of them - win for mum!. :)

I can do all things though Christ.....thanks for listening.

Small slow steps.....

I have to say up front I did not think I would enjoy this blogging, however I am finding this very therapeutic and cleansing!  Well do I have heaps to download today and it's only 10:00 a.m.

I am slightly proud of myself I went for my first run in 2014 - well more like a walk and slow shuffle but I DID IT - 5km!   How I go around to do it was a battle of the mind and body ....

When I woke this morning the excuses started as follows:-

- I'm so tired, I had a big day yesterday;
- It's too late (8:45 am) and too hot;

- I am on holidays, wait till I go back to work;

- I deserve a sleep in - rest is important too....

Then I opened my Facebook and saw the encouragement I have received from friends, I also looked at our new family photo (that I will give the story to down the page) and prayed, then this verse was 'liked' by a friend

  "Do not remember the former things.  Nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing.  Now it shall spring forth;  Shall you not know it?....."

So then I got to thinking the reasons I should get up and move my butt into gear:-

- failing is not an option in 2014 I will run 4km in March - start now;

- I am on holidays I have anytime today to do it;

- If I can do it in the heat how much easier when I do it earlier next week before work;

- Every day I put it off is closer to not achieving;

- I told everyone I would do this!

- God wants my best;

- This journey starts NOW...

So I got up put on my running clothes (super attractive they are not!) including my heart monitor. I had a real giggle because honestly the aids I have is ridiculous - Heart rate monitor, Polaris watch, PRT Trainer Ap (0-5km in 8 weeks), and MapMyRun+ (MPV version which includes goals and coach) plus music!!!!!!!  Hey I am committed so whatever it takes!  So I set off with two coaches and music in my ear!!

Was it easy.....NO WAY...the running coach thing gets me to walk 2 mins and run 1 min sounds easy but it was hard and hot...by half way the doubts started...

- why are you doing this, you must look ridiculous;

- struggling to run 1 min how am I going to do 4km;

- people can see you doing this;

And so on....

Then the song God Never Fails came into my ear and I was reminded that Christ had many laugh and jeer at him but he went through with his plan, a bit of a run with flab was nothing I should suck it up and not fail.

Exactly half way I hit three pause buttons to get my breath (sad I know) and a message came through from a friend I didn't read it at the time but what flashed momentarily on my screen was "Morning Suzzanne :) after reading all your blog you have also inspired me...."  WELL I don't recall reading the bit about the blog all I saw in my sweaty exhausted teary eyes were "morning suzanne ..also inspired"..it was justbwhat I needed because I hit the restart button and I was back on my way.  At 3.5 km I had finished the training session through PRT however I had set on MapMyRun I was going to do 5km!  Crazy girl I could do with going home but I didn't I kept going!  Almost home and I still had 400 metres so I had to do some extra metres up our street to get to 5km - today 4.8 was not goal!  It was a very proud moment when to coach said "goal achieved 5km".  I felt wiped out but a grin was on my face!  Thanks for the message Natalie and thank you Lord for your never ceasing presence in all I do!

I wish my mind during the run could automatically blog my thoughts - some were terrible, others great! So on to my day of healthy eating choices, maybe a swim or crossfit.  I feel great!

FAMILY PHOTO

I want to explain how this pic upsets and motivates me all at once.  Anyone who knows me understands how much I Hate having my photo taken so doing a photoshoot (even if done at home with Pauk) is traumatic for me and that's not exaggerating.  When I look at this pic of me I see me trying to hide behind Joel to cover my "fat" I see unhealthy and know how I was feeling when it was being taken, I won't even put anymore adjectives because they are all negative!  

Then I look at my husband and kids and feel extremely proud. They are part of my motivation I want to enjoy life with them, I want energy to run, play, swim, be crazy with them. I want to feel confident to pose for photos with my gorgeous family!

Finally, God put us on earth for a purpose, to serve and glorify him, I am responsible for how I serve him, he has given me all the tools -  I just need to follow through.

Phil 4v13. I can do all I things through Christ who strengthens me,

He did that today and he will continue to give me the strength I need.  I just have to ask!

Preparation

Christmas continued for our family today...it was the Smith Christmas.  This meant being up preparing to get on the road to Brisane early!  No small feat when you have ten teenagers stay overnight and it being 2:00 a.m. before you close your eyes. 

So day 1 and I couldn't get up and do my first run, however upon initially despairing I thought there are a couple of things I could achieve today in order to embark tomorrow on my first training run.  So I :-

• Reviewed MapMyRun App and upgraded it;
• Entered my first week goals of running 4 times in the week;
• Made sure I had breakfast before we left home;
• Ate balanced meals and didn't graze all day as can be a tendency at these types of lunches;
• Had a sleep because I was exhausted;
• Exercised my mind by listening to worship music during car trip.

So I know these are small things but these small things are what will make this journey a life changer and bring about success in my quest to achieve health and fitness!   Not a lot of time for exercise however this is only one day in the week and we need to Be practical and do life also!

Tomorrow morning I will be arable to commence my running!

Thanks for listening ;)